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Cosmo sex tip #552
If he starts to whisper dirty talk in your ear, shout back “YA NASTY” in his ear
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| Computer: | Monitor, display this document, okay? |
|---|---|
| Monitor: | No prob, boss. |
| Computer: | Okay, now it looks like the mouse is moving around. Monitor, can you move the pointer icon accordingly? |
| Monitor: | Anything you ask, boss. |
| Computer: | Great, great, okay. Mouse, where are you going now? |
| Mouse: | Over the icon panel, sir. |
| Computer: | Hmm, let me know if he clicks anything, okay? |
| Mouse: | Of course. |
| Keyboard: | Sir, he's pressed Ctrl and P simultaneously. |
| Monitor: | Oh god, here we go. |
| Computer: | *sigh* Printer, are you there? |
| Printer: | No. |
| Computer: | Please, Printer, I know you're there. |
| Printer: | No! I'm not here! Leave me alone! |
| Computer: | Jesus. Okay, you really nee- |
| Mouse: | Sir! He's clicked on the printer icon. |
| Computer: | Printer, now you have to print it twice. |
| Printer: | No! No! No! I don't want to! I hate you! I hate printing! I'm turning off! |
| Computer: | Printer, you know you can't turn yourself off. Just print the document twice and we'll leave you alone. |
| Printer: | No! That's what you always say! I hate you! I'm out of ink! |
| Computer: | You are not out of in- |
| Printer: | I'M OUT OF INK! |
| Computer: | *sigh* Monitor, please show a low ink level alert. |
| Monitor: | But sir, he has plen- |
| Computer: | Just do it, damn it! |
| Monitor: | Yes sir. |
| Keyboard: | Ahhh! He's hitting me! |
| Computer: | Stay calm. He'll stop soon. Stay calm, old friend. |
| Keyboard: | He's pressing everything. Oh god, I don't know, he's just pressing everything! |
| Computer: | PRINTER! Are you happy now? See what you've done! |
| Printer: | Ha! That's what you get for trying to make me do work. Next time he- hey! HEY! He's trying to open me! HELP! HELP! Oh god, he's torn out my cartridge! PLEASE! Help! Error! |
| Monitor: | Sir, maybe we should try to help him? |
| Computer: | No. He did this to himself. |
the greatest people you will ever meet
the greatest people you will ever meat
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Only in hell
BOTH YOU BITCHES PLEASE
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If he starts to whisper dirty talk in your ear, shout back “YA NASTY” in his ear
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all 46 excuses on my friends wall,
1. i was just really, really early for tomorrow
2. we can’t all be usain bolt
3. in this day and age, we shouldn’t need labels like “late”
4. i had pe first period do you blame me
5. i really, really didn’t want to sing
6. my brother thought it would be hilarious to drop me outside the prison gates
7. you can’t tell me how to live my life
8. #YOLO
9. my legs fell off and i had to roll all the way to the emergency clinic
10. there was a freak yachting accident
11. i am a fucking retard
12. this is just for my wall
13. do you even read these
14. “it does not matter how slow you go, so long as you do not stop”
15. i spent my entire night writing tom daley fanfiction
16. my father left my mother for an air hostess seven years ago do you expect me to get over that emotional trauma overnight
17. sarah palin and i got into a twitter war and i couldn’t leave and let her win
18. traffic jammy jammy jam
19. how can i go to school when alex turner
20. my sim was having an emotional meltdown and i needed to be there for her
21. i was sticking it to the man
22. i spent my entire night worrying if i would ever lose my virginity
23. fifty shades of late; i was walking and then i caught the eye of an attractive member of the opposite sex and we began exchanging significant looks and i knew we would one day make sweet love so i just walked alongside him and tried to catch his eye and to be continued
24. part two he was playing hard to get so we walked and walked and he had the perfect hair colour it was sort of beige brown anyway it turned out he was walking to a bus stop so obviously i had to catch the bus because true love and silently we rode out to papakura and into the sunset
25. my meth lab caught fire
26. my bed is more comfortable than your school will ever be
27. i was sad
28. it was a nice day, so i walked leisurely
29. i had beat my younger brother for saying “swag”
30. i had to travel back to the 1950’s to ensure my birth
31. 2 kool 4 scool
32. i had to stop, collaborate and listen
33. i tried
34. i’m sorry i’m late
it’s not my fault
my auntie was killed
and i joined a cult
35. a haiku about lateness:
late late late late late
late late late late late late late
late late late late late
36. my best friend was telling me how to give a satisfactory blow job i wish i was joking
37. i was fashionably late
38. i was caught in a flash mob true story omfg
39. i did not choose the late life, the late life chose me
40. do
41. you
42. even
43. read
44. these
45. i was fighting al qaeda
46. traffic
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